Saturday, June 21, 2003

Aha! Ahahaha!

Eddy you're dead. I'm going to make you eat that stapler of yours. Hahahaha!

I'll update later.

Contributed by paper \ winged

Friday, June 20, 2003

I didn't write anything yesterday and the day before coz I was utimately unlucky again.

Anyway, my life was very interesting yesterday. I went to work at Shenton way, Afro Asia building, 8 am. I wore a blue top. I made 3 cups of coffee. I did my work till 7 pm. I reached home at 8pm. My mum cooked dinner and I watched porn till now.

The ultimate bad thing that happened to me yesterday was that when I crossed a road, a donkey actually crossed it with me. I was feeling very pissed coz I dun feel like sharing a human road with a filthy donkey. I mean, how often do u see donkeys cross the road? I am totally sway.

I decided I shall not start conversations with the donkey coz it looked very horny. In fact, it was shagging a nearby fire extinguisher very violently indeed.

I thought the fire extinguisher burst and itz contents sprayed all over, but actually it was the donkey. How disgusting. I tried to ignore the phenomenon. I dun think u all believe me at all. I shall borrow Xiaxue's camera if possible, and take pictures to let u all see.

But I refuse to hold anything pink. I am a man you know. How can I hold a silly pink camera?

Anyway, the lights turned green, so I proceeded to walk across the road. The donkey hurried and caught up with me. Halfway across the road, the donkey tapped me on the shoulder and asked: "Why do u humans keep fucking me? I am of a different species u know!"

I told him we didn't do that.

Donkey: "Yes u all do. Someone told me that this trend is caused by a certain blog. Snow or something. It is in Chinese. You know donkeys cannot pronounce chinese. I'm an English donkey ya know? Oh yeah have u watched the Hulk yet? dun watch it! It is a sucky show!"

I asked him: "Why are u such an ass?"

He replied: "Thats my cousin. Oh yeah btw speaking of asses. Now whenever I see humans I feel horny. Just now I shagged the fire extinguisher while thinking of ur ass!"

I was so thoroughly appalled that I accidentally stepped on my shoelace and fell down. I scraped my knee.

This fella who drove pass immediately took me to the hospital while I moaned in agony! I know it is just an abrasion, but forgive me, I'm an engineer! Engineers are wimps when it comes to pain!

So there in the hospital I insisted I will stay till the abrasion totally healed. And thats why I didn't have time to spoof Xiaxue. Coz I was in hospital. Ain't i pitiful? AND WHOSE FAULT IS IT THAT THE DONKEY STARTED TALKING TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

My colleagues totally did not come and see me! Instead, they went to loyally read Xiaxue's blog and leave good comments as usual. Sycrus and Jo, u can be as sure as ur fat asses that I will put poison into ur coffee when I come back! You traitors! Dun u all remember how Dilly died?!

One more thing. Did u all go tell Xiaxue that my Chinese name is Shui Xiang?!!! HOW DID SHE KNOW THEN! She teased me! Thousands of ppl now will laugh at my name!

I am so pissed.

Lotsa love,
Eccentric Eddy Lee Shui Xiang.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Why isn't she writing anything? Anyway, I bet I can totally predict what she is going to write.

I have a good hair day today.

(picture of hair)

How great! A happy day begins with a good hair day!

Eddy msged me today yadda yadda.

Some of you all emailed me to ask me to tell u all what kinda person I really am.

Actually nobody emailed me. Thats coz nobody EVER emails me. I just made up that excuse coz I need someone to listen to me talk about me.

Okie here goes:

Name: Eccentric Eddy Lee

Age: 23

Race: I have no interest in speeding vehicles, thank you. Oh, that race. Eh, chinese lor. If not why the Lee.

Occupation: Engineer

Dick size: 6.5" (Okie fine I am lying.)

Hobbies: Eh I dun really like Calvin and Hobbes. Oh. That hobbies. Eh, Squeezing my pimples? Weather? Politics? Wood working? Being cynical? And wanking looking at Grouchy Gwenne, of course. Who is your favourite Xiaxue friend?

Overall I am an optimist. The cup is always half full. Thats coz when it spills, half full is more to clean up than half empty. And yes, it ALWAYS seem to spill when I use it, dammit. Bad things always happen to me. Every single day.

I am ugly. I am poor. I am bored and boring. Thank goodness I am too dumb to realise I am not very smart. Basically I hate the world.

Anyway, I have decided to use this blog as my own blog as well. My life is very interesting today. I went to work at Shenton way, Afro Asia building, 8 am. I wore a blue top. I made 3 cups of coffee. I did my work till 7 pm. I reached home at 8pm. My mum cooked dinner and I watched porn till now.

No, I didn't wank today. I only wank on Wednesdays. I call it the Wanking Weds. Ain't it great?

The ultimate bad thing that happened to me today is that when I crossed a road, a chicken actually crossed it with me. I was feeling very pissed coz I dun feel like sharing a human road with a filthy chicken. I mean, how often do u see chickens cross the road? I am totally sway.

While the chicken and I were waiting for the lights to turn green, I decided to make small talk to the chicken. U would never know when public relations can make ur life better. It is better to know more contacts, even if it was just a chicken.

I asked the chicken: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

The chicken stared at me vindictively.

It chuckled (as in chicken chuckle, not laugh): "WTF do u humans keep asking me this? Why dun u answer me this first? Why did the chewing gum cross the road?"

I told her I dun give a damn as to why the chewing gum crossed the road.

She pecked me on my shin and said I am damn self centred to only care about myself.

She answered me why the chewing gum crossed the road although I did not ask:

"Coz it is stuck to the chicken's feet! And thats why I am crossing the road! To try to scrap it off!"

I told her "You can just ask me for help, bird brain!"

She told me chickens have their dignity too, and crossed the road without me, with her tail feathers high up in the air. She gave me a last cocky face and *splat* went the chicken. It got knocked down by a SBS bus number 42! Its lungs sprayed all over my new montagut shirt. How wonderful.

I am a very unlucky man.

People, I'm truly sorry I took so long to come up with this antixiaxue website. I know alot of ppl dislike her. You all must be waiting for me to come out with this website. I was one of those innocent readers myself, having stumbled on her truly horrific website and getting the shock of my life.

You wouldn't believe how I found her site! My colleague at work was found dead one morning at 830am, Shenton way, Afro Asia building. His name is Dilly.

Although his name is silly, (lets not make Silly Dilly jokes as he is dead already) lets give a minute of respect for him.

*minute of respect*

Alright. Now Dilly was the fellow in the cubicle next to me, so I was the first to discover him dead when I tried to put a hand over the cubicle wall to steal Dilly's stapler. I found myself groping an ice cold hand instead, hot blood no longer flowing in it. Ahem. What are u waiting for? It is time to give a loud gasp.

Now Dilly was famous for surfing websites during work hours. I looked over the cubicle wall in horror at my dead colleague...

His face was a pure white. It registered a look of immerse shock; his mouth was wide open and his eyes popped out. Exactly like how the victims of Sadako looked like. I was flabbergasted, but being the brave man I am, I immediately tried to look for evidence instead of standing there like a piece of Char siew.

Dilly looked somewhat like this when he died:

I looked at Dilly's computer screen, flickering ominously with her website. To my surprise, I saw Jamie's photo. Jamie is Dilly's wife.

In fact, this photo was taken BY DILLY THE MAN HIMSELF, ON THEIR WEDDING DAY!

I scrolled down, and managed to find another picture of Jamie, now looking like this:

HOW TOTALLY HORRIFIC!!! YIKESSSSSSSSSS! Personally, I had an affair with beautiful Jamie once and it was an experience not to be forgotten. Oh boy oh boy, Jamie is good at blo-, erm, nvm. The picture made me want to puke when I think she could have looked like this! Imagine how Dilly felt when he saw that he could have been making love to her (second picture) all his life!

Whats worse is, Xiaxue even claimed that the second photo is Jamie's real photo and the first is a result of her amazing photoshop skills! SHE DECEIVED YOU ALL! How difficult is it to just make someone uglier!

Speaking of uglier. U all think she is pretty? My foot. Lets see her real self. Photo contributed by June, who hates Xiaxue secretly too.

Lets get back to our story. The precise time I read Xiaxue saying she edited the photos, the computer went blank. Its screen just started to flicker really violently, and shut off by itself. It was truly eerie. At this point of time, there was lightning flashing in the sky... It was not until weeks later that I realised I tripped on the socket.

Anyway, I was horrified that I lost my only clue to what has caused Dilly's death, coz I was too hum chee to touch that cursed computer. Then I realised that Dilly's dead fist was grasping something really tight. Something yellow.

I opened his fist with some difficulty, and realised that it was a post-it. It wrote in mock, "Wahahahah Jamie looks freaking hideous here!"

I have no idea who wrote that, which in turn caused my colleague's death. To be frank, I dun really mind him dying coz in his will, he actually wrote: "To my colleague in the next cubicle, Fucking take the stapler. It is all urs now that I am gone. I hope you rot in hell for the amount of times u made me look for it." At least I got a stapler. Plus the new gal who took over Dilly's place is very pretty indeed.

But although I dun mind Dilly's dying, I still feel like hating Xiaxue. It feels good to hate someone so much. Slowly the hatred grew on me so much that I had to set up this website to let loose all of my abhor-ment for her.

Dilly is not as unpopular as you think. Even weeks after his death, some ppl still read Xiaxue's blog to find evidence to Dilly's death. In actual fact, zQ, Sycrus, John Sim, Jo and all the other readers u know are my colleagues. These colleagues CLAIM that they are trying to find evidence to Dilly's death by being nice to Xiaxue and actually telling her they enjoy reading her blog. So far, it seems that Xiaxue really does not know who Dilly or Jamie is.

But my colleagues are still reading her blog. WHY??? For goodness sake dun tell me they actually enjoy reading it. It is full of crap! I wanna read about the weather! Where doesn't she ever talk about the weather! How about serious topics like politics??? Her blog is so bloody superficial. A typical entry sounds like this:

Yadda yadda my hair is so nice and curly today yadda yadda I love pink yadda I love Eddy yadda yadda I love money Yadda yadda sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex yadda yadda check out my cute fluffy doggie yadda yadda both my hps are pink yadda yadda i love donkeys and llamas yadda yadda who thinks I look pretty? Who thinks I look like Yvonne Lim? yadda yadda

Easy to spoof huh? I can just write that whole chunk out everyday. But no. I will slowly and tormendously argue with every single point she writes. I might not be as free as her to write everyday though, so if u wanna help me out, gimme ur email address and name and I will put u as a member. You are most welcome to spoof her.

Don't be too mean though, she is just a 19 yr old gal. If u are too mean to her I will delete stuff. Although I hate her, I dun really want her to cry all day long. It will be another stupid sad entry, and thats not fun to spoof anymore.

Ironically, to be able to spoof her u must first read her blog. I hope she doesn't notice the sudden increase in visitors.

On a last note, I have decided to use her email add, her enetation comments board, and her blog id (its raining men... (I wish)) coz she is freaking stupid. Not unexpectedly, I hacked into all her accounts with the username Xiaxue and password Iloveeddy. Sp totally predictable ain't it? Whatever was hers is mine now, MUAHAHAHHAAHA!

I hope u guys enjoy ur stay.

Lotsa love, Eddy.

Yeah yeah okie laugh ur heads off. My name is really Eddy. How freaking coincidental. And I am an engineer too. But I am not that adonis. You guys may called me Eccentric Eddy from now on.

Lotsa love, Eccentric Eddy.