Friday, July 09, 2004

Another boring blog ...

Hello everyone!! I am back again, after a long break.

Anyway, my life was very interesting yesterday. I went to work at Shenton way, Afro Asia building, 8 am. I wore a blue top. I made 3 cups of coffee. I did my work till 7 pm. I reached home at 8pm. My mum cooked dinner and I watched porn till now.

The ultimate unlucky thing that happened to me yesterday was that when I was crossing the road, a Platypus waddled up to me, and stood beside me.

I glared at it.

It ignored me. In fact, it was just standing there, looking at the green light patiently in a dignified manner.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I ALWAYS MEET STUPID ANIMALS WHEN I AM CROSSING THE ROAD?! First it was a chicken, and then it was a donkey, and now, a PLATYPUS??!

I continued glaring at it.

I mean, it is RUDE of the platypus to stand there, like it is an equal to men! I don't care what stupid female environmentalists are saying about this, but I don't want to share my human road with a smelly platypus!

Come to think of it, I think this platypus is not local. Maybe it is a REFUGEE!!!! Anyway, it must be, must be, an illegal immigrant! Wait till I catch it, then I shall sell it to the zoo WAHHAHAHA maybe police because it is a refugee platypus!!

How do I start how do I start... If I just jump clean on top of it to try to pin it down, it must get offended and peck me with its beak. The beak looks flat and vicious.

I better do small talk.

Things like small talk, Xiaxue is better lah. I am an engineer what... I don't have friends to talk to, coz when I talk, I only talk about engineering stuff, and no one's interested. Weird, I have been working the whole day and i want to complain what, why can't anyone be nice!

OH DEAR, THE LIGHTS ARE AMBER!!!

Better put on a placid smile first.

"Hi Mr Platypus," I said in my best jaunty voice. Sounds a little like an elephant farting.

"Yo mate!" the ugly Platypus replied, nonetheless.

Definitely Australian, I told myself. Quick, think of something Australian to say!


"Say, is that Billabong you are wearing then, mate?"

"WTF?"

"Eh, I mean, did you watch Miss Universe, Australia won yeah? Pretty."

"Yeah the Oz won. Mind you, that Kangaroo was so cocky when he saw me. Cocky Kangaroo! Kangarooy cock! Ha ha ha ha ha."

He begin to laugh deeply at his own joke.

"Eh, so you not Australian?" I asked.

"Insulted mate! I'm from the great Britian! I am from the land of the wrinkly Queen! And I am proud to be a British platypus! Mind you, we have Harry Potter, and Enid Blyton and Beckham! What more does a nation want?"

"Well, we have char siew and chicken rice ... "

"I don't understand what you are talking about, mate, are you mocking me? I may be a platypus, a British one mind you, but I am not stupid! Say, do you want to cross the road with me?"

"Eh no."

The platypus looked scandalised. "WHY?" he screamed in a high pitched voice, not unlike a platypus would.

"Eh ... " How can I tell him gently that I don't wanna cross the road with a filthy platypus like him, and I also want to catch him to sell him to the zoo?

"Eh eh eh you great prude, speak up!", he said, breaking my thread of thought.

"Don't imitate me!"

"Well you did speak that way, mate! Say, while you take such a long time to decide what to make up your speech off, could you help me take a photo? Of me standing right here leaning on this lovely fire extinguisher here? There there, lovely."

He handed me a wet camera. WTF?? Why is his camera wet? Is he supposed to come out of the water anyway??



Stupid platypus.

It's time to act.

"Would you like to play catching with me? I'll run after you with a giant net and see if I can catch u, how's that?"

"Sure thing mate! Sounds fun!"

I pulled out a giant butterfly net out of no where and caught the stupid platypus in a jiffy.

"HA YOU STUPID PLATYPUS!" I announced in triumph. "THATS FOR BEING A REFUGEE IN SINGAPORE! I SHALL SELL YOU TO THE ZOO!"

"You kid me not, human," the refugee platypus actually shrieked in laughter.

"WHATS SO FUNNY!"

"Well first of all, I am not a refugee, I am an expatriate. And secondly, I've been in Singapore for years! YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT LIE ABOUT SELLING ME TO THE ZOO? You tink I'm a kid? 'Ah girl, you don't finish your porridge mommy sell you to the zoo then you know yadda yadda" nonsense is too commonly used as a threat! I am not scared!" said the expatriate platypus in a horrible smirking manner.

"Eh, you are not a refugee?" I asked tentatively.

"That's right! Now get me out of this net please."

"NO! I still can sell you to the zoo and earn some money! And a talking expat platypus! Wait till the SPGs hear about this, they will swarm to the zoo in flocks! HWAHAHAHAH I AM A GENIUS!"

The platypus stared at me, and promptly chewed his way through the net to freedom.

I looked on in horror, then it hit me:

"HEY I just realised you were pretending when you said you don't understand what is char siew or chicken rice! LIAR! BLUFF ME!"

"Well," the (sexy) expat platypus said, "I don't like that stuff. Anyway, you have offended my rights as a platypus, as horrid as my name sounds with platy and pus inside, but that's not the point. The point is, I am gonna peck you to death if you cannot answer this question of mine:

Besides the platypus, what is the other mammal that lays eggs?



Can someone help me? I'm blogging while still waiting for an answer! And you are not allowed to google coz it is written in our science textbooks!

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Hi... Been a very long time since I last posted here...

Actually, throughout this whole time I was having my reservist. Of course no one can have their reservist for such a freaking long time. Half a year.

But I was most unfortunate.

When I was having my reservist done, I was doing my guard duties in Bukit Timah Hill. There were monkeys there.

I was chewing on a macadamia nut when a monkey approached me and asked me politely if he could have some.

I threw the nut on his head. It bounced off. The monkey is very stupid. He tried to run to fetch it. The moment he bent down to pick up the nut, I prodded his ass with a pussy willow stem.

I laughed. It is so funny. I planned to draw that frame on all my angpows to give to people coz its the year of the monkey and pussy willows are for CNY too.

He shrieked very loudly, jumped, and in 3 swift motions ate up the macadamia, snatched the pussy willow, and stuffed it up my nostril.

Soon we were having nasal sex and I was begging him to stop. It was coz its not good. Its coz it has the monkey's ass smell and thats really horrible.

My officer came along at this moment, supposedly to check on me. He got very freaked out because the monkey tried to stuff the pussy willow into his ear for some aural sex. He didn't know the evil monkey's motive of course, being the stupid common man he is. Oh no! He thinks he knows, but he has no idea... Monkeys are evil!

So anyway, he just whacked the monkey on the head with a MACE (I finally found out what a lang ya bang is called in English. Btw if you don't know what a mace is, it is the spiked club that cavemen use. No EK, its not called a spiked club. No Shengrong, its not called a spikey club thing) that he got out from nowhere in particular.

The monkey spinned around dizzily, and I saw the most amazing thing. There were actual yellow stars revolving around the monkey's head. How queer, I thought that only occurs in cartoons.

The monkey scrambled away, not before shaking his fist at me. I am very scared he would come back to rape my ass when I am bending down to pick up a bar of soap.

The officer asked me to explain myself.

I told him that monkey started it.

He didn't believe it and said I must have not been willing to share my nuts with people. "If your nuts are big," he said, "you should be generous with them! Let people lick them and chew them. Good nuts are hard to cum, I mean, come by!"

I gave him a "I am not gay" look.

He gave me a "You are going straight to detention barracks because you are not gay" look.

He is such a meanie!

So in I went. I stayed for 1 month with the accused charge of spreading herpes to monkeys. When I was inside, I was raped 5 times so I was charged with another 5 months, although I do not have herpes. I am not Australian.

Luckily for me, someone download the Paris Hilton sex video on the sixth's month so they forgot to rape me and I am finally out. Its so saddening how time has just passed me by! I have not even set up my friendster account! Now I'll be so late!!

Alright, back to hating Xiaxue.

Recently it seems like the Jeremy (wtf happened to Eddy? And who is Bernard??!) girlfriend thingy has been making Xiaxue very angry.

GUESS WHAT I'VE FOUND!!!

I found a picture of the girl!!



She is very very pretty isn't she?? This must be her original photo!! Look what horrid Xiaxue has done...

Ah... Very good artwork isn't it? Xiaxue ought to be ashamed of herself.

I like the girl.. Sweet and gentle. Not like rude and uncouth Xiaxue. Keep talking about things like anal sex.

Ah well. Email xiaxue_blog@yahoo.co.uk to tell her what u think of the artwork yeah?

Good night dears. I have not bathed for six months. I still don't dare to. You don't know how lucky you are to be able to bend down and pick up a bar of soap when you are butt-naked without any worries of horrid monkeys.

I wish you all best of luck in the year of the pussy-willowed monkey!!

Wahahaha am I funny or what...

(Pardon me for being shizophrenic here, but DAMN my photoshop skills are FUCKING GOOD. Isn't it?)

p/s (updated): Xiaxue says: If you can't view the friendster profile I can't post her photo coz Jeremy will say I am a bitch again. Patience. A few days later maybe the traffic will slow down.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

*gasp!*

Eddy! Xiaxue managed to hack into your account to post here!

*double gasp!*

Hahahaha.

Muahaha. Oh well. See you at work, no? And don't you dare try to poison my coffee/tea/fried beehoon.

Contributed by Paper / winged

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Aha! Ahahaha!

Eddy you're dead. I'm going to make you eat that stapler of yours. Hahahaha!

I'll update later.

Contributed by paper \ winged

Friday, June 20, 2003

I didn't write anything yesterday and the day before coz I was utimately unlucky again.

Anyway, my life was very interesting yesterday. I went to work at Shenton way, Afro Asia building, 8 am. I wore a blue top. I made 3 cups of coffee. I did my work till 7 pm. I reached home at 8pm. My mum cooked dinner and I watched porn till now.

The ultimate bad thing that happened to me yesterday was that when I crossed a road, a donkey actually crossed it with me. I was feeling very pissed coz I dun feel like sharing a human road with a filthy donkey. I mean, how often do u see donkeys cross the road? I am totally sway.

I decided I shall not start conversations with the donkey coz it looked very horny. In fact, it was shagging a nearby fire extinguisher very violently indeed.

I thought the fire extinguisher burst and itz contents sprayed all over, but actually it was the donkey. How disgusting. I tried to ignore the phenomenon. I dun think u all believe me at all. I shall borrow Xiaxue's camera if possible, and take pictures to let u all see.

But I refuse to hold anything pink. I am a man you know. How can I hold a silly pink camera?

Anyway, the lights turned green, so I proceeded to walk across the road. The donkey hurried and caught up with me. Halfway across the road, the donkey tapped me on the shoulder and asked: "Why do u humans keep fucking me? I am of a different species u know!"

I told him we didn't do that.

Donkey: "Yes u all do. Someone told me that this trend is caused by a certain blog. Snow or something. It is in Chinese. You know donkeys cannot pronounce chinese. I'm an English donkey ya know? Oh yeah have u watched the Hulk yet? dun watch it! It is a sucky show!"

I asked him: "Why are u such an ass?"

He replied: "Thats my cousin. Oh yeah btw speaking of asses. Now whenever I see humans I feel horny. Just now I shagged the fire extinguisher while thinking of ur ass!"

I was so thoroughly appalled that I accidentally stepped on my shoelace and fell down. I scraped my knee.

This fella who drove pass immediately took me to the hospital while I moaned in agony! I know it is just an abrasion, but forgive me, I'm an engineer! Engineers are wimps when it comes to pain!

So there in the hospital I insisted I will stay till the abrasion totally healed. And thats why I didn't have time to spoof Xiaxue. Coz I was in hospital. Ain't i pitiful? AND WHOSE FAULT IS IT THAT THE DONKEY STARTED TALKING TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

My colleagues totally did not come and see me! Instead, they went to loyally read Xiaxue's blog and leave good comments as usual. Sycrus and Jo, u can be as sure as ur fat asses that I will put poison into ur coffee when I come back! You traitors! Dun u all remember how Dilly died?!

One more thing. Did u all go tell Xiaxue that my Chinese name is Shui Xiang?!!! HOW DID SHE KNOW THEN! She teased me! Thousands of ppl now will laugh at my name!

I am so pissed.

Lotsa love,
Eccentric Eddy Lee Shui Xiang.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Why isn't she writing anything? Anyway, I bet I can totally predict what she is going to write.

*****
I have a good hair day today.

(picture of hair)

How great! A happy day begins with a good hair day!

Eddy msged me today yadda yadda.
*****

Some of you all emailed me to ask me to tell u all what kinda person I really am.

Actually nobody emailed me. Thats coz nobody EVER emails me. I just made up that excuse coz I need someone to listen to me talk about me.

Okie here goes:

Name: Eccentric Eddy Lee

Age: 23

Race: I have no interest in speeding vehicles, thank you. Oh, that race. Eh, chinese lor. If not why the Lee.

Occupation: Engineer

Dick size: 6.5" (Okie fine I am lying.)

Hobbies: Eh I dun really like Calvin and Hobbes. Oh. That hobbies. Eh, Squeezing my pimples? Weather? Politics? Wood working? Being cynical? And wanking looking at Grouchy Gwenne, of course. Who is your favourite Xiaxue friend?

Overall I am an optimist. The cup is always half full. Thats coz when it spills, half full is more to clean up than half empty. And yes, it ALWAYS seem to spill when I use it, dammit. Bad things always happen to me. Every single day.

I am ugly. I am poor. I am bored and boring. Thank goodness I am too dumb to realise I am not very smart. Basically I hate the world.

Anyway, I have decided to use this blog as my own blog as well. My life is very interesting today. I went to work at Shenton way, Afro Asia building, 8 am. I wore a blue top. I made 3 cups of coffee. I did my work till 7 pm. I reached home at 8pm. My mum cooked dinner and I watched porn till now.

No, I didn't wank today. I only wank on Wednesdays. I call it the Wanking Weds. Ain't it great?

The ultimate bad thing that happened to me today is that when I crossed a road, a chicken actually crossed it with me. I was feeling very pissed coz I dun feel like sharing a human road with a filthy chicken. I mean, how often do u see chickens cross the road? I am totally sway.

While the chicken and I were waiting for the lights to turn green, I decided to make small talk to the chicken. U would never know when public relations can make ur life better. It is better to know more contacts, even if it was just a chicken.

I asked the chicken: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

The chicken stared at me vindictively.

It chuckled (as in chicken chuckle, not laugh): "WTF do u humans keep asking me this? Why dun u answer me this first? Why did the chewing gum cross the road?"

I told her I dun give a damn as to why the chewing gum crossed the road.

She pecked me on my shin and said I am damn self centred to only care about myself.

She answered me why the chewing gum crossed the road although I did not ask:

"Coz it is stuck to the chicken's feet! And thats why I am crossing the road! To try to scrap it off!"

I told her "You can just ask me for help, bird brain!"

She told me chickens have their dignity too, and crossed the road without me, with her tail feathers high up in the air. She gave me a last cocky face and *splat* went the chicken. It got knocked down by a SBS bus number 42! Its lungs sprayed all over my new montagut shirt. How wonderful.

I am a very unlucky man.


People, I'm truly sorry I took so long to come up with this antixiaxue website. I know alot of ppl dislike her. You all must be waiting for me to come out with this website. I was one of those innocent readers myself, having stumbled on her truly horrific website and getting the shock of my life.

You wouldn't believe how I found her site! My colleague at work was found dead one morning at 830am, Shenton way, Afro Asia building. His name is Dilly.

Although his name is silly, (lets not make Silly Dilly jokes as he is dead already) lets give a minute of respect for him.

*minute of respect*

Alright. Now Dilly was the fellow in the cubicle next to me, so I was the first to discover him dead when I tried to put a hand over the cubicle wall to steal Dilly's stapler. I found myself groping an ice cold hand instead, hot blood no longer flowing in it. Ahem. What are u waiting for? It is time to give a loud gasp.

Now Dilly was famous for surfing websites during work hours. I looked over the cubicle wall in horror at my dead colleague...

His face was a pure white. It registered a look of immerse shock; his mouth was wide open and his eyes popped out. Exactly like how the victims of Sadako looked like. I was flabbergasted, but being the brave man I am, I immediately tried to look for evidence instead of standing there like a piece of Char siew.

Dilly looked somewhat like this when he died:


I looked at Dilly's computer screen, flickering ominously with her website. To my surprise, I saw Jamie's photo. Jamie is Dilly's wife.



In fact, this photo was taken BY DILLY THE MAN HIMSELF, ON THEIR WEDDING DAY!

I scrolled down, and managed to find another picture of Jamie, now looking like this:



HOW TOTALLY HORRIFIC!!! YIKESSSSSSSSSS! Personally, I had an affair with beautiful Jamie once and it was an experience not to be forgotten. Oh boy oh boy, Jamie is good at blo-, erm, nvm. The picture made me want to puke when I think she could have looked like this! Imagine how Dilly felt when he saw that he could have been making love to her (second picture) all his life!

Whats worse is, Xiaxue even claimed that the second photo is Jamie's real photo and the first is a result of her amazing photoshop skills! SHE DECEIVED YOU ALL! How difficult is it to just make someone uglier!

Speaking of uglier. U all think she is pretty? My foot. Lets see her real self. Photo contributed by June, who hates Xiaxue secretly too.



Lets get back to our story. The precise time I read Xiaxue saying she edited the photos, the computer went blank. Its screen just started to flicker really violently, and shut off by itself. It was truly eerie. At this point of time, there was lightning flashing in the sky... It was not until weeks later that I realised I tripped on the socket.

Anyway, I was horrified that I lost my only clue to what has caused Dilly's death, coz I was too hum chee to touch that cursed computer. Then I realised that Dilly's dead fist was grasping something really tight. Something yellow.

I opened his fist with some difficulty, and realised that it was a post-it. It wrote in mock, "Wahahahah Jamie looks freaking hideous here! http://xiaxue.blogspot.com"

I have no idea who wrote that, which in turn caused my colleague's death. To be frank, I dun really mind him dying coz in his will, he actually wrote: "To my colleague in the next cubicle, Fucking take the stapler. It is all urs now that I am gone. I hope you rot in hell for the amount of times u made me look for it." At least I got a stapler. Plus the new gal who took over Dilly's place is very pretty indeed.

But although I dun mind Dilly's dying, I still feel like hating Xiaxue. It feels good to hate someone so much. Slowly the hatred grew on me so much that I had to set up this website to let loose all of my abhor-ment for her.

Dilly is not as unpopular as you think. Even weeks after his death, some ppl still read Xiaxue's blog to find evidence to Dilly's death. In actual fact, zQ, Sycrus, John Sim, Jo and all the other readers u know are my colleagues. These colleagues CLAIM that they are trying to find evidence to Dilly's death by being nice to Xiaxue and actually telling her they enjoy reading her blog. So far, it seems that Xiaxue really does not know who Dilly or Jamie is.

But my colleagues are still reading her blog. WHY??? For goodness sake dun tell me they actually enjoy reading it. It is full of crap! I wanna read about the weather! Where doesn't she ever talk about the weather! How about serious topics like politics??? Her blog is so bloody superficial. A typical entry sounds like this:

Yadda yadda my hair is so nice and curly today yadda yadda I love pink yadda I love Eddy yadda yadda I love money Yadda yadda sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex yadda yadda check out my cute fluffy doggie yadda yadda both my hps are pink yadda yadda i love donkeys and llamas yadda yadda who thinks I look pretty? Who thinks I look like Yvonne Lim? yadda yadda


Easy to spoof huh? I can just write that whole chunk out everyday. But no. I will slowly and tormendously argue with every single point she writes. I might not be as free as her to write everyday though, so if u wanna help me out, gimme ur email address and name and I will put u as a member. You are most welcome to spoof her.

Don't be too mean though, she is just a 19 yr old gal. If u are too mean to her I will delete stuff. Although I hate her, I dun really want her to cry all day long. It will be another stupid sad entry, and thats not fun to spoof anymore.

Ironically, to be able to spoof her u must first read her blog. I hope she doesn't notice the sudden increase in visitors.

On a last note, I have decided to use her email add, her enetation comments board, and her blog id (its raining men... (I wish)) coz she is freaking stupid. Not unexpectedly, I hacked into all her accounts with the username Xiaxue and password Iloveeddy. Sp totally predictable ain't it? Whatever was hers is mine now, MUAHAHAHHAAHA!

I hope u guys enjoy ur stay.

Lotsa love, Eddy.

Yeah yeah okie laugh ur heads off. My name is really Eddy. How freaking coincidental. And I am an engineer too. But I am not that adonis. You guys may called me Eccentric Eddy from now on.

Lotsa love, Eccentric Eddy.