Another boring blog ...
Hello everyone!! I am back again, after a long break.
Anyway, my life was very interesting yesterday. I went to work at Shenton way, Afro Asia building, 8 am. I wore a blue top. I made 3 cups of coffee. I did my work till 7 pm. I reached home at 8pm. My mum cooked dinner and I watched porn till now.
The ultimate unlucky thing that happened to me yesterday was that when I was crossing the road, a Platypus waddled up to me, and stood beside me.
I glared at it.
It ignored me. In fact, it was just standing there, looking at the green light patiently in a dignified manner.
CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I ALWAYS MEET STUPID ANIMALS WHEN I AM CROSSING THE ROAD?! First it was a chicken, and then it was a donkey, and now, a PLATYPUS??!
I continued glaring at it.
I mean, it is RUDE of the platypus to stand there, like it is an equal to men! I don't care what stupid female environmentalists are saying about this, but I don't want to share my human road with a smelly platypus!
Come to think of it, I think this platypus is not local. Maybe it is a REFUGEE!!!! Anyway, it must be, must be, an illegal immigrant! Wait till I catch it, then I shall sell it to the zoo WAHHAHAHA maybe police because it is a refugee platypus!!
How do I start how do I start... If I just jump clean on top of it to try to pin it down, it must get offended and peck me with its beak. The beak looks flat and vicious.
I better do small talk.
Things like small talk, Xiaxue is better lah. I am an engineer what... I don't have friends to talk to, coz when I talk, I only talk about engineering stuff, and no one's interested. Weird, I have been working the whole day and i want to complain what, why can't anyone be nice!
OH DEAR, THE LIGHTS ARE AMBER!!!
Better put on a placid smile first.
"Hi Mr Platypus," I said in my best jaunty voice. Sounds a little like an elephant farting.
"Yo mate!" the ugly Platypus replied, nonetheless.
Definitely Australian, I told myself. Quick, think of something Australian to say!
"Say, is that Billabong you are wearing then, mate?"
"Eh, I mean, did you watch Miss Universe, Australia won yeah? Pretty."
"Yeah the Oz won. Mind you, that Kangaroo was so cocky when he saw me. Cocky Kangaroo! Kangarooy cock! Ha ha ha ha ha."
He begin to laugh deeply at his own joke.
"Eh, so you not Australian?" I asked.
"Insulted mate! I'm from the great Britian! I am from the land of the wrinkly Queen! And I am proud to be a British platypus! Mind you, we have Harry Potter, and Enid Blyton and Beckham! What more does a nation want?"
"Well, we have char siew and chicken rice ... "
"I don't understand what you are talking about, mate, are you mocking me? I may be a platypus, a British one mind you, but I am not stupid! Say, do you want to cross the road with me?"
The platypus looked scandalised. "WHY?" he screamed in a high pitched voice, not unlike a platypus would.
"Eh ... " How can I tell him gently that I don't wanna cross the road with a filthy platypus like him, and I also want to catch him to sell him to the zoo?
"Eh eh eh you great prude, speak up!", he said, breaking my thread of thought.
"Don't imitate me!"
"Well you did speak that way, mate! Say, while you take such a long time to decide what to make up your speech off, could you help me take a photo? Of me standing right here leaning on this lovely fire extinguisher here? There there, lovely."
He handed me a wet camera. WTF?? Why is his camera wet? Is he supposed to come out of the water anyway??
It's time to act.
"Would you like to play catching with me? I'll run after you with a giant net and see if I can catch u, how's that?"
"Sure thing mate! Sounds fun!"
I pulled out a giant butterfly net out of no where and caught the stupid platypus in a jiffy.
"HA YOU STUPID PLATYPUS!" I announced in triumph. "THATS FOR BEING A REFUGEE IN SINGAPORE! I SHALL SELL YOU TO THE ZOO!"
"You kid me not, human," the refugee platypus actually shrieked in laughter.
"WHATS SO FUNNY!"
"Well first of all, I am not a refugee, I am an expatriate. And secondly, I've been in Singapore for years! YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT LIE ABOUT SELLING ME TO THE ZOO? You tink I'm a kid? 'Ah girl, you don't finish your porridge mommy sell you to the zoo then you know yadda yadda" nonsense is too commonly used as a threat! I am not scared!" said the expatriate platypus in a horrible smirking manner.
"Eh, you are not a refugee?" I asked tentatively.
"That's right! Now get me out of this net please."
"NO! I still can sell you to the zoo and earn some money! And a talking expat platypus! Wait till the SPGs hear about this, they will swarm to the zoo in flocks! HWAHAHAHAH I AM A GENIUS!"
The platypus stared at me, and promptly chewed his way through the net to freedom.
I looked on in horror, then it hit me:
"HEY I just realised you were pretending when you said you don't understand what is char siew or chicken rice! LIAR! BLUFF ME!"
"Well," the (sexy) expat platypus said, "I don't like that stuff. Anyway, you have offended my rights as a platypus, as horrid as my name sounds with platy and pus inside, but that's not the point. The point is, I am gonna peck you to death if you cannot answer this question of mine:
Can someone help me? I'm blogging while still waiting for an answer! And you are not allowed to google coz it is written in our science textbooks!